Covert Narcissistic Abuse Masked As A Mother’s Love..
It has been a long healing journey to look back over my life and recognize the Covert Narcissistic Abuse I suffered at the hands of both my mother and father. Everything they did was under the guise of “love”. Guilt and shame manipulation is how these abusers attempt control. Below is a story outlining how something so ordinary can turn on a dime, because your abuser wants total control of you.
The Party
After being married and living in the US for almost two years, I finally had the opportunity to return home for a couple of weeks. As one can imagine, I was pretty excited to get to see family and friends. A day into my arrival I told my mom what my plans were for the upcoming week. There were three-four different days where I had activities planned with friends. I let my mother know what days and times I would be out so she wouldn’t plan anything for those few hours. The rest of my trip was for relaxing and visiting with her and family.
“Why don’t we have a big bonfire this weekend and you can invite all your friends over!? We’ll invite the whole family, it will be fantastic. One huge party!”
It was a great idea. I loved her suggestion! I was unsure however, with such short notice, that anyone would be available. The party would be planned for the following evening, a Saturday night. After a few calls it was all in the works and only a couple people had previous plans. This was no big deal as I would be seeing them in a few days. The night went great, lots of laughs and catching up with everyone. Fast forward to Monday morning when I reminded my mom of my 1pm lunch date with a friend. Now, it’s been over 15 years so I do not remember what was said exactly but it went something like this… she flipped the fuck out.
The Reason Behind Her Rage
My mother was livid that I would dare spend time with my friends after she threw such a fantastic party for everyone. She was angry with me for still keeping plans with my friends. The entire reason she suggested the party, was for me to visit with everyone that night, and no more. This was not info that she shared with me in any form. My mother offered to plan and host the party so I would no longer need to spend time with anyone else but her for the rest of my trip. My mother expected me to cancel all my plans. It was completely dumbfounding! When I scoffed at this ridiculousness, she became livid. She yelled, and she cried. I was called selfish for wanting to spend more time with the friends who came to the party. My mother believed that because I’m her daughter, she should be the only one I spend my trip visiting. Her reason to believe I owed her all my time, was because she “missed me so very much.” She couldn’t wrap her head around the fact that I left my entire life behind to move to CA, and she refused to understand that I left behind many people, not just her. This turned into a full fledge fight about how inconsiderate I was being, and how I don’t think about anyone but myself.
Through crocodile tears, she told me how I don’t care about her or her feelings. I had to argue and plead my case as to how and why I missed all of these people. This is not something logical people and non-abusers would need to hear. I explained that I was excited to finally be home for a visit to spend time with many different people that I hadn’t seen in years. Like a toddler, there was zero reasoning with her and my wants and needs fell upon deaf ears. My mother cried, guilted and pleaded with me not to visit with anyone else. This continued for almost two hours. Finally, I told her I was done with this nonsense and that I would go stay elsewhere should she continue to be unreasonable and tantrum. In a last ditch massive guilt trip effort, she told me I “had the nerve” to ignore how much it hurt her to be “left alone” while I went off to spend time with all the other people I care about. Kind of makes you wonder why she would actually want to spend time with such a despicable and ungrateful child, no?
Refusing To Be Manipulated
When she saw me packing, she realized I wasn’t bluffing. Suddenly, she was fine with the few hours I’d be out, but she still punished me with silence. There was never an apology, only the same old excuse of “I just love you so much… that’s why I get so upset.” Every single bad behavior that I have ever attempted to address with her has been met with the same excuse: She behaves out of love, which makes ME selfish, inconsiderate, and ungrateful for not accepting her love. “This is love.” In the eyes of an abuser, love is manipulation. Love is guilt. Love is blaming you for their behaviors. Love is never saying I’m sorry. Do I believe this is how love works? No. But it’s what my parents tried so desperately to make me believe, and sadly, on many levels I accepted bad behaviors because I didn’t have healthy ones to compare them to. When you grow up in a mentally unhealthy home, you don’t always know it’s unhealthy. What I can absolutely say with the utmost certainty now… my kids will NEVER know this pathetic excuse for “love”. They are learning about Covert Narcissistic Abuse for their own protection. It can be sneaky beast.
The Damage Of Prolonged Narcissistic Abuse
The saddest part of this story after all these years… I don’t remember anything else from that trip. That’s what Covert Narcissistic Abuse does, it steals the “would be” happy moments. I remember moments of the bonfire, and the fight. I don’t remember the lunches or coffee dates. I don’t even remember who I met up with. That’s what abusers do, steal all the joy, leaving you with a multitude of horrible memories that were so traumatic they over shadow any ounce of good
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If you want to learn more about narcissistic abuse, Dr Ramani is amazing. She has a fantastic youtube channel, filled with knowledge and practical advice. I highly recommend checking her out!!! https://doctor-ramani.com/
