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Covert Narcissistic Abuse

Covert Narcissistic Abuse Masked As A Mother’s Love..

It has been a long healing journey to look back over my life and recognize the Covert Narcissistic Abuse I suffered at the hands of both my mother and father. Everything they did was under the guise of “love”. Guilt and shame manipulation is how these abusers attempt control. Below is a story outlining how something so ordinary can turn on a dime, because your abuser wants total control of you.

The Party

After being married and living in the US for almost two years, I finally had the opportunity to return home for a couple of weeks. As one can imagine, I was pretty excited to get to see family and friends. A day into my arrival I told my mom what my plans were for the upcoming week. There were three-four different days where I had activities planned with friends. I let my mother know what days and times I would be out so she wouldn’t plan anything for those few hours. The rest of my trip was for relaxing and visiting with her and family.

“Why don’t we have a big bonfire this weekend and you can invite all your friends over!? We’ll invite the whole family, it will be fantastic. One huge party!”

It was a great idea. I loved her suggestion! I was unsure however, with such short notice, that anyone would be available. The party would be planned for the following evening, a Saturday night. After a few calls it was all in the works and only a couple people had previous plans. This was no big deal as I would be seeing them in a few days. The night went great, lots of laughs and catching up with everyone. Fast forward to Monday morning when I reminded my mom of my 1pm lunch date with a friend. Now, it’s been over 15 years so I do not remember what was said exactly but it went something like this… she flipped the fuck out.

The Reason Behind Her Rage

My mother was livid that I would dare spend time with my friends after she threw such a fantastic party for everyone. She was angry with me for still keeping plans with my friends. The entire reason she suggested the party, was for me to visit with everyone that night, and no more. This was not info that she shared with me in any form. My mother offered to plan and host the party so I would no longer need to spend time with anyone else but her for the rest of my trip. My mother expected me to cancel all my plans. It was completely dumbfounding! When I scoffed at this ridiculousness, she became livid. She yelled, and she cried. I was called selfish for wanting to spend more time with the friends who came to the party. My mother believed that because I’m her daughter, she should be the only one I spend my trip visiting. Her reason to believe I owed her all my time, was because she “missed me so very much.” She couldn’t wrap her head around the fact that I left my entire life behind to move to CA, and she refused to understand that I left behind many people, not just her. This turned into a full fledge fight about how inconsiderate I was being, and how I don’t think about anyone but myself.

Through crocodile tears, she told me how I don’t care about her or her feelings. I had to argue and plead my case as to how and why I missed all of these people. This is not something logical people and non-abusers would need to hear. I explained that I was excited to finally be home for a visit to spend time with many different people that I hadn’t seen in years. Like a toddler, there was zero reasoning with her and my wants and needs fell upon deaf ears. My mother cried, guilted and pleaded with me not to visit with anyone else. This continued for almost two hours. Finally, I told her I was done with this nonsense and that I would go stay elsewhere should she continue to be unreasonable and tantrum. In a last ditch massive guilt trip effort, she told me I “had the nerve” to ignore how much it hurt her to be “left alone” while I went off to spend time with all the other people I care about. Kind of makes you wonder why she would actually want to spend time with such a despicable and ungrateful child, no?

Refusing To Be Manipulated

When she saw me packing, she realized I wasn’t bluffing. Suddenly, she was fine with the few hours I’d be out, but she still punished me with silence. There was never an apology, only the same old excuse of “I just love you so much… that’s why I get so upset.” Every single bad behavior that I have ever attempted to address with her has been met with the same excuse: She behaves out of love, which makes ME selfish, inconsiderate, and ungrateful for not accepting her love. “This is love.” In the eyes of an abuser, love is manipulation. Love is guilt. Love is blaming you for their behaviors. Love is never saying I’m sorry. Do I believe this is how love works? No. But it’s what my parents tried so desperately to make me believe, and sadly, on many levels I accepted bad behaviors because I didn’t have healthy ones to compare them to. When you grow up in a mentally unhealthy home, you don’t always know it’s unhealthy. What I can absolutely say with the utmost certainty now… my kids will NEVER know this pathetic excuse for “love”. They are learning about Covert Narcissistic Abuse for their own protection. It can be sneaky beast.

The Damage Of Prolonged Narcissistic Abuse

The saddest part of this story after all these years… I don’t remember anything else from that trip. That’s what Covert Narcissistic Abuse does, it steals the “would be” happy moments. I remember moments of the bonfire, and the fight. I don’t remember the lunches or coffee dates. I don’t even remember who I met up with. That’s what abusers do, steal all the joy, leaving you with a multitude of horrible memories that were so traumatic they over shadow any ounce of good

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If you want to learn more about narcissistic abuse, Dr Ramani is amazing. She has a fantastic youtube channel, filled with knowledge and practical advice. I highly recommend checking her out!!! https://doctor-ramani.com/

Life is full of beauty

Can Pretty Things Help Chronic Pain Sufferers?

Coping with Arthritis pain takes more than medications, exercise and eating right. Mental health is just as important.

As I leaned over to turn the lamp off on this teeny, tiny table, I spied this little scene. I’m not sure how the photo got where it did but the photographer in me saw beauty in these random objects surrounded by the soft warm glow and instantly knew that this image would forever warm my soul make me smile.

I have long said that there is beauty everywhere, you just have to look.

Yes, I realize that I’m not the first to say it, but its very true. I’m a visual person and I do in fact see beauty all around. I believe my ability to see beauty even in the everyday and mundane things, has helped me cope with so much physical pain. When you live with a chronic illness there are days when you feel hopeless and isolated. It doesn’t matter how great your support system is, sometimes you cannot help but wallow and feel sorry for yourself. The good news, at least for me, I can surround myself with pretty things. I find this relaxing, and it lifts my spirits. At this stage in life, anything that helps me cope with chronic Rheumatoid Arthritis pain is a go, even if it’s a simple decor arrangement!

In the past I have been teased by friends because I have many decorative vignettes placed around my house. We don’t have a big home nor do we have much shelf space to decorate so I have to get creative. I currently have a silver tray that I decorate with random items. If I’m going to be completely honest, the coffee table no longer holds these beautiful displays because… puzzles. Yup, we have reached the age of puzzles for recreation and I accept this, but I digress. Sometimes I swap things depending on holiday or season to keep it fresh. I also made a point of placing this tray where I will see it often… by my recliner, because hey, it’s always easier to relax while looking at pretty things! That’s why I keep Magic Mike on the DVR, but again, I digress.

Creating Your Own “Happy Place” Vignette

Challenge: Find a spot you look at often in your home and create a display of things that make you smile, make you feel good, make you feel relaxed, generally items that make you happy. Add levels(Books work great for this) as displays become more visually appealing when there are layers, and textures. Coordinating colors will look best so try not to be too random. Using a tray as a base for your display is a great way to keep your items grouped together and it can easily be moved if need be. A tray vignette is a great way to incorporate holiday and theme decorations as you can see below.

This is my current display:

You can see that by swapping a few items, adding theme decor, fake or real flowers(or both), you can have a great little display that only takes minutes to swap out. Camera makes me happy. Birds make me happy. Flowers make me happy. Painting makes me happy.

Please note: most items shown are garage sale/goodwill finds; camera, green bird, wooden heart, rose picture frame. All florals unless real, are from Michael’s, including that cute lavender. It’s a great pace to find home decor too. So if you need that perfect but small floral, check out Michael’s!

Find what makes you happy and go forth to create your “Happy Place” display!

I Heart You With My Crippled Hands

When your hands are as crippled as mine you have two choices, hide in shame or put on a smile, and run with it.

Sometimes, all you can do is laugh… even at yourself.

Odin, my child who struggles in group social situations(anxieties), was mad about going to school today. It’s playfort and water day, which means being social with other kids. “We’re not even learning anything, it’s pointless.” he quipped in disgust. I get it, and he’s not wrong, but I still made him go on the one day of school most kids dream of. For the rest of the time getting ready, he refused to smile, even when I plastered his face with kisses.

I was holding my ridiculously deformed hands in the shape of a, well let’s say, I was going for “heart”: “Look Odie, I HEART you!” He glanced over unimpressed. “I heart you Odie, look. Odie look, I heaaaaaaart you! See man, I heart you, Odin!” He refused to look up again, probably afraid he might actually break a smile. “The beauty of this heart, reflects my love for you, because I heart you, man.”

Asa, walking past: “Looks more like a turd, than a heart.”

Me: “Look Odin, I POOPY heart you. It might be stinky, but it’s still love.” He pulled up the collar of his jacket to cover his grin as I followed him out of the house. Odin’s friend had just arrived to walk to school. Never one to waste an opportunity to try an embarrass my child, I yelled one more time… “It might look like poop, Odin, but I promise, I HEART YOU!”

My Tiny Crippled Hands

Fun Fact: My left pinky finger is much shorter than my right because my hand surgeon actually forgot to fuse the middle joint during one of my major hand surgeries of multiple joints.
*It was another 2 years before the next surgery on that hand* . This left the joint totally corroded, bone on bone. To fuse the bones together meant cleaning up the area which greatly shortened them, thus, this teeny little weird-ass looking finger!

First Class On Alaska Airlines

Alaska Airlines bumped me to first class and it was amazing.

It was early morning and I was off to Portland to visit a close friend and attend her daughters wedding. I decided to check in the night before and discovered what looked like a first class seat change. Sure enough as I rolled into the airport before the sun came up, I was greeted by an agent who glanced at my ticket, smiled, and waved me over to the first class Alaska Airlines check in line. “May I help the next first class customer please?” a few heads turned, including a very classy lady who was standing with her husband and had just checked in. She gave me a quick once over, and then smiled with a nod. I believe this to be a “rich people” greeting of acceptance. Straightening my posture, I smiled, nodded back, and took my rightful place at the VIP counter. Yes! I was in, and they were none the wiser!

A few moments later, we had all turned to walk upstairs at the same time and again this older woman who oozed class and money, turned, smiled and gave me another nod. This confirmed it, I was officially welcomed by my new tribe.

Settling In

Jeff and I have been flying Alaska Airlines since our long distance dating days, so yeah, like 20 years already, which seems odd because clearly I’m only 29? He’s lucked out with first class upgrades numerous times. Me, not so much, so you can damn well believe I was going to enjoy this and be on my best behavior. My only regret… not ordering a Mimosa, but it’s all good, drinking at 7:05am seemed excessive, although this was not the same view point of the dude across the aisle from me who could not have possibly been sober when we landed just after 9am, but I digress. I did, however, indulge in the food and hot beverages, because I’m no sucker and it’s all flipping free! Woot!

So Many Perks

As I carefully prepared my tray, my tablet and set up my addiction show, Reign about Mary Queen Of Scots on Netflix, I was met with a horrible reality… I FORGOT my $%#&! headphones. Do you know how many sets of airline headphones I’ve purchased out of desperation over the years!? Neither do I but I’m sure it’s quite a few. Not to mention the pair I had purchased just weeks ago for these EXACT situations. *sigh*. “Excuse me, Miss?” I politely called out after wiping my hands with the luxury damp warm cloth given to me via tongs. The last group of commoner passengers shuffled past. “I seemed to have forgotten my headphones. Would it be possible to purchase a set?” “No need” she started… “This is first class, they’re complimentary!” Her smile was warm, like an angel. My first class personal angel, ready to assist me at any moment. And just like that, I realized I may never become accustomed to to these luxuries in life, but will enjoy them any time an opportunity arises!

Danea, JRA, Living with Rheumatoid Arthritis

Easter Decor

easter, table setting, arthritis blog, jra, parenting, mom blog, crafts

Eater decorations can brighten a room

I feel this way about most major holidays. Don’t get me wrong, I still love going out to trick or treat, and nothing beats Christmas morning but decorating for those holidays may be what brings me the most happiness. I enjoy looking at pretty things! There is something about soft colored eggs and sweet little bunnies of Easter that brighten a room.

The truth is, I have a hard time investing in the various holidays throughout the year. I believe that most of the celebrating fell to the wayside because it’s just the 4 of us, with now family in our state. Big dinners with just the four of us seems a bit much. We do the egg hunts because I LOVE that part, but besides Christmas and Halloween, all the other holiday celebrations are just meh with me, and I put in very little effort into actually celebrating.

Pretty themed decor is my Kryptonite and Michael’s is my nemesis.

When it comes to Valentines, St. Patrick’s day, etc… I do little more than pulling out a few items to decorate/swap out the current theme. This silver tray on the fireplace mantle is my new favorite thing to look at. In just a few minutes I can bring in a splash of holiday fun with very little effort. It only takes a couple of minutes to swap a few items out and create a pretty holiday themed vignette that doesn’t take over the house. Having a designated decoration area like this is great for small dwellings when you don’t want to feel overwhelmed with decorations, but want a hint of festive fun.

If you have ever wanted to decorate but feel overwhelmed on where to start, here are a few tips:

Keep it small, do it in a place you spend a lot of time(I sit in my recliner way more than I should actually admit), and thus looking at pretty things helps me feel relaxed. A nice table runner with a few items like these speckled eggs.

If you lack surface space(like me) find one area, book shelf, wall shelf, mantle, whichever you choose and start small. Groups of three is a good rule, as is odd numbers.

Odd numbers and varying heights. You likely have items around your house that you can use… books make great places to add levels. I painted a new Easter theme picture for this display! 🙂

You can check out a few variations of this display HERE !